I've decided that positivity is actually a major factor to consider within my recovery. Although I have been told some relatively bad news in my meeting yesterday, I have realised that I can react in a more positive way than I have more recently. I will admit, that I did have a little cry to myself in my room yesterday, but if you use ice as a distraction technique it really, really helps. I have had a really good day out with my family and we did a lot of shopping, plus I had an amazing lasagne! But while I was having an amazing time, I just had an sinking feeling afterwards, considering the fact that I can't go home or even see home. It will be a little while, but if I write lists asking for what I want out of my upcoming weeks of being in hospital. My main one being going to have home leave and seeing my dog!
Sometimes I question why these things happen to me, or what bad things I did in a past life to deserve being this way, but the more I question it, the more I realise how ridiculous I am being. There's no way - that I currently know of - to prevent this somewhat embarrassing thing from happening. When the panic grips tight, it can feel suffocating, to the point of exhaustion. Now that I have better realised why this happens, it has made it even more embarrassing, but you would think that the embarrassment would have lessened. Often I think that names, labels and reasons for what happens to me would be a form of reassurance. What if this is not entirely true? There's always something that is in the back of my mind, telling me that I need to know, so that I can help myself better. In terms of these 'falls', this isn't true. It doesn't lessen or worsen them or make them happen any more or less frequently. They come and go at will, with little to no warning. Sometimes I don't even have to be panicking to have the grips of anxiety make me fall.
I don't just mean falling physically, but also metaphorically. The further I get with recovery, or simply times with being better, the further I have to fall back down again. It is one of my worst fears that I will fall and never be able to return to the place I once was, the mentality I wish I was still at. Most of the time, I think that returning to that state of mind is an unrealistic approach to my recovery, but people have to have goals in life, otherwise we won't even strive to achieve anything. You would just be left there, a shell of a human, doing nothing; you have to have the points in life where you fall, in order to make the steps to go forward and achieve. No matter how big the obstacle may seem, I have begun to have a more positive approach to things. It has helped in my aids to recovery. Yesterday I had a hit of realisation, where I suddenly felt more positive about things. I suddenly understood why I am where I am right now, and had to detach myself from all of my wants and focus on what I need. I knew it was the approach I had to have to things, if I wanted to get better and later succeed with the goals I currently have. I have to get through the minor anxieties I have and have had about the near future and focus on the bigger picture. A sudden rush of happiness and pride rushed over me (and it wasn't from a sugar rush, from too many Dolly Mixtures!). With the help of my family and others around me, I decided that I knew what I needed to do. Although it will be hard, concentrating on getting better would be good for everyone else. I've been told that I am selfish: It's time for a change. I could go through my entire life having the same old problems, just wondering what the hell is wrong with me or wondering why I react to certain things in certain ways. But then, all of a sudden it hits you. And not like a little tap to the face or a slap, or a punch - it's like running into a brick wall. It starts off as a dull pain, but it progresses to a pain that you can't ignore. It grips hold of you, tight, so that you feel like you have to do something about it. Staring at the same walls and colours day after day gets tiring, and staring longingly out of a window, imagining what it would be like to be back out there again, how much I miss it.
I remember what it felt like walking in, and I wished I could see that place again and see what it looks like now that I'm calmer. It's strange how different places look depending on your emotions. It's like looking at somewhere as a dream. "In dreams we enter a world which is entirely our own". I take this Albus Dumbledore quote, and decide that it is how the world looks within dreams, rather than having better choice of the way that life goes within dreams. The world may look exactly the same, with the same appearance, but a the colours may be more vibrant, or the angles on which buildings are situated may be different. I have always been told that dreams are what you make them to be, but is this really the case? How often is it that you're dreaming and you have a choice of what happens? It never happens. Dreams are like exaggerated versions of life, with different colours. Mine always seem to be realistic, and when I hear what others dream about, it confuses me, because my dreams are always like my life. This makes people assume that I am a boring person, but I would definitely disagree with this. I have always been a pretty imaginative person, with somewhat unrealistic goals and aspirations for life. Nobody ever thinks it'll happen to them, but I can promise that it does. It does and it hurts too. You can seem relaxed to the casual viewer, but if you were to dissect the looks I give, or the positions I'm sat in, then maybe I'm not so relaxed. Fear is a striking companion for me, and it follows me wherever I go, but nobody can see it. Not a single person realises that some of my strange habits and mannerisms are due to the sometimes crippling thoughts and fears that surrounds me every day. It comes without warning. Something that grips your throat tight, and sucks the air out of your lungs - panic. Another invisible enemy. I used to have invisible friends, and I was completely obsessed with them for years, but this is mainly due to the fact that I didn't know how to be friends with people or how to socialise, so I created my own. It seemed to be a negative to everyone around me, as I escaped the harsh reality to see my friends, teachers and even a couple of enemies in the world that I sometimes felt was real. Friendships were hard to come by when you were a controlling person, who often never knew what to say, or how to start a conversation. Now I'm beginning to understand how conversations work, but still view them in a systematic way that humanity have chosen to have to get through daily struggles with a 'bit of a chat'. I find myself constantly guessing what the person is going to say next in order to reply, and often time an average conversation between different relationships I have, so that I am comfortable and know the sort of thing that was happening.
It seems odd to people that I need to know how conversations work, because dealing with the unexpected is viewed as a necessity in human life and how we get through things. This is also a parallel to the terrifying concept of change. It is horrible to think that as I'm getting older I am changing, while still staying the same. I am aware that I am the same person in terms of literal biology and many character traits have been the same as they were when I was very young (this includes being a 'worrier'). However, I know that my small obsessions are always changing, and as I'm getting older I am both physically and mentally evolving. It is more than worrying, but terrifying. But referring back to the start, 'nobody ever thinks it'll happen to them', well here I am, in a hospital, typing with my mildly shaking hands on a keyboard. My mind has really run away with me this time. So, as the title says 'Here's where it starts...". Here's where the new me is born, created, evolved. I may not change into a completely different person, but I definitely have changed within only a week of being here. New people, and a new environment - all factors that can cause minor to major changes in a person. Let's see where it goes from here... |
Here's the part where I ramble about nothingness, but you can sit back and enjoy my weirdness. Feel free!
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